Ep302 Recap

Episode 2, “Billy, Don’t Be a Hero” catches up with the Nearly Departed, our titular super-zombies: Archibald Ashtooth (Andy Dopieralski), Bahati (Maleah Woodley), Cass (Dylan Smith), and Saoirse (Anne Carlton) questing for the skull of Brenhinol Brân.

The Nearly Departed were pulled from the grave, animated or raised bodily by the Celt witch Orddu Fab (Susanna Burney) at the end of the Series 3 Prologue film and then subsequently, in episode 1, given strict commands to find her dead son’s skull—a quest the witch herself embarked upon some two-hundred years earlier.

Reluctantly, they do as instructed, brooding and rather irritated by the whole thing. (Their foul mood could be a side effect of being dead.)

Soon they were following the loud rap-tap echoes of bongo drums. Their search leads them to the Billy Club and ultimately to the goblin menace Sally (Anne Carlton). She convinces them to meet with her patron, the fey wizard Tenacious (Jesse Keeter), who is also looking for Brân’s skull but for a decidedly different reason.

Hating life because they don’t have one anymore, the Nearly Departed find themselves entombed between a rock and a hard place: a dueling rock ‘n’ roll witch and a hard rock wizard, both of whom are equal parts discordant.

For their effort in finding the skull, the witch offered a vague, if undefined, prize, which Tenacious suggested would be an untimely return to the grave. He, on the other hand offered, life. Glorious and sweet life—the real thing, not some generic version of it.

“I do like the sound of being alive.” Archibald said matter-of-factly—as the others undoubtedly did as well.

 

THE NECROPOLIS THAT NEVER SLEEPS

Following the figurative Yellow Brick Road, the four find themselves back inside the necropolis walls sporting fashionable new illusionary wear—as fit and fancy as genuine living folk—all courtesy the gracious Tenacious.

Of course, the illusionary raiment is as much smoke and mirrors as the emperor’s new clothes, hiding lies and truth, death scars, and worm meat beneath.

The Dbu Wold necropolis turns out to be big. Bigger than big. Bigger than that, even. Somarria’s largest cemetery super-city is comprised of separate boroughs and unique cultural parishes: a coterminous melting pot of many world cultures.  [Dbu Wold Map]

Where to look?

The four Nearly Departed shamble aimlessly past fascinating evidence of many of Chaldea’s human cultures, but they were unfortunately nowhere closer to finding Orddu Fab’s secret laboratory.

Though equally demanding in their own way, neither Orddu Fab (witch) nor Tenacious (wizard) were particularly forthcoming or helpful in providing information on how to locate this series’ MacGuffin (the eponymous Brân skull).

Clever Tenacious, however, had ’em preoccupied on a side quest: find Orddu Fab’s lair and ascertain how close she is to finishing the Brân jigsaw skeletal puzzle. Was the skull the golden spike in the transcontinental railroad or was there more track to lay?

The highest structure in Dbu Wold and the natural place to start is a Trumpian stone tower visible on the horizon that pulsed and radiated an eerie unnatural green hue.

Surely, the natural and obvious place to start, yes?

No.

When they turn their gaze and interest to the tower, the thought is immediately burnt from their minds. Merely looking upon the tower results in stabbing pain lancing through their eyes and ears. The ferocious psychic trauma forces them to rethink their strategy, to turn their attention elsewhere.

How about a dark forbidden forest?

Who doesn’t enjoy a casual stroll through a dark cemetery wood, eh? Faced with the choice—head toward the Green Tower and psychic migraine or the sinister dark wood—the Nearly Departed choose the evil they’re not quite sure about instead of the one making their heads explode.

 

THE DARK FOREST

Everything about the forest screams fear and loathing in Los Woodlands with witches, goblins, and undead things. Sure, why not? What could possibly go wrong in a deep, dark forest in the middle of a necropolis?

No sooner do they immerse themselves in the warm, loving embrace of cold, calculating trees than Archibald spots a shadow movement flanking their rear: they soon discover they’re being followed by one, Billy the Kid.

He’s alone. Or so it would seem.

There is no apparent sign of Bongo Billie or her rambunctious bongo drums. “I don’t need a chaperone,” he says with disgust.

“Anyone trust this goblin operative?” Saoirse asks.

No. No, they do not. For real, they don’t.

Is he really alone? Is he really a kid? Is he really real?

“A dragon shapeshifter more like it,” Archibald suggests.

What is a young child doing in a graveyard in the first place with so many undeadites lurking about? And how has he avoided becoming a Hungry-Zombie Frozen Dinner?

The Nearly Departed have their doubts and for good reason, having just recently run afoul of the Billy Fight Club shenanigans and, despite their rather quick victory over the goblins, they are not eager for a rematch. But when he suggests he knows the way to Orddu Fab’s house, they put aside their misgivings and fear of entrapment, at least momentarily. The boy seems to have information and is more inclined to aid them than either the witch or the wizard.

So, they follow the boy into the deeper, seemingly darker woods.

 

SPIDERS, VENOM, AND COMFY COCOONS

The action sequence in Episode 2 comes in the form of spiders. Large arachnids leap out of their assassin hidey-holes onto the unsuspecting vagrants meandering through their dark domain.

Did Billy lead them into a trap?

Probably not, as he’s the first to react with an “Uh-oh!” and a straightaway stone from his slingshot.

The battle is quick and decisive…for the spiders.

Bahati, Billy, and Archibald receive bites. Are poisoned. And are quickly pushing zzz’s (as opposed to pushing up day-zzz’s).

That leaves Saoirse and Cass to save the day. Whatever hope they had quickly dwindles when a colony of spider reinforcements arrive led by a Boss Monster: a dinosaur-sized arachnithrope flanked by a battalion of swarming spiderites.

“Something wicked this way comes,” Cass eloquently described the monstrous eight-legged horror as it places a sleep charm on Saoirse.

She zonks out, leaving Cass alone and not in the least bit tired.

No spider charm is going to push our ladle-wielding bard into la-la dreamland either. In episode 1, Tenacious described Cass as “Mr. Null Point,” which is to say, someone who is immune to magic or at the very least is extremely resistant.

Rather than facing certain death, our bard friend flexes his acting chops and feigns sleepy beddy-bye time. Know that:

The bard that sleeps the day away may awake and fight another day.
But he that is spider slain will never rise to write again.

Are the Nearly Departed spider fodder?

Yes…and no.

 

SPIDER CAVE

The four wakey-wakey in a claustrophobic state of cocoon hell hanging from a cavern ceiling.

Like most the goings-on in the necropolis, there appears to be more to the arachnithrope than just a predatory species surviving on a primal diet high in human protein. Or possibly the eight-legged freak enjoys interrogating its dinner before dinner. Putting the spice of fear into its victims, tenderizing the succulent meat and its saucy hot liquid filling.

If you hate spiders, this is the scene you want to fast forward through.

While our cocooned heroes are tightly fettered to the point of suffocation, their mouths are free to chin waggle and the Lord of the Colony gives them permission to do so, demanding, “Why are you in my home?” This leads to a terse prisoner-captor palaver, in which we learn poignant information:

• The giant arachnid, an arachnithrope has acute intelligence and can speak dwarvish (Chaldea common). Like lycanthropes of legend, breaking down its name gives us insight to its morphology. Arachnids are of course spiders and “-thrope” is a reference to therianthropy (the supernatural affliction of humanoids shapeshifting into animals). It’s just a guess, but it sounds like it’s a big-ass werespider.
• Tenacious’s illusion is fully armed and operational as the spiders mistakenly believe their victims are living “tasty meat treats.” Even with eight perceptive eyes, they can’t see past the illusion.
• The arachnids don’t like the Billy Club. Seems like their billy shenanigans are well-known throughout the necropolis, even amongst the vermin.
• More prudently, we learn the arachnithrope (and the spider colony at large) does the bidding of Orddu Fab and, at the minimum, protects her home. At the maximum…well, who can say?

The contentious palaver is cut short when Billy the Kid suddenly announces, “Guess what day it is?”

Bongo Billie had uttered those same esoteric words in episode 1. In the distance suddenly echoes the quick rap-tap thrum of bongo drums.

Is that Bongo Billie banging those bongos? Certainly must be.

Earlier, Billy the Kid said, “Bongo Billie is off doing Bongo Billie stuff.” What does that mean exactly? He was either innocently spouting childlike gibberish, bored and tired of being questioned by adults, or he was deliberately obfuscating (a word he likely doesn’t know but an action he’s likely taken many times before).

Either way, the drums have the desired effect of clearing the cave of spiders.

Arachnithrope orders his spider troops to action: “Get me those drums.” And off they go, leaving the Nearly Departed hanging in their cocoons liked slabs of dry-aged, albeit spoiled, beef.

What the arachnithrope doesn’t know (and possibly folks who didn’t see the RPG Session episode 0 character creation segment don’t know either): Saoirse has an escape artist special ability: if left unattended, she can escape any prison.

Once the creepy crawlies leave the cave, the tight silk fibers around Saoirse fall away like wishes in the wind. “No prison can contain me,” she boasts.

Saoirse quickly frees the others, and Archibald presses upon them the need to get out of Dodge. Which they quickly do, but not before Bahati has the final word and tosses a torch into the highly flammable spider silk webbing, sending the cave up in hellish horror.

Billy has an aw shucks apologetic moment when he whispers, “I forgot to say, there are spiders in these woods.”

What other dangerous forget-me-nots did Billy forgot-me-now to mention?

Nothing worth mentioned except the Guardian… he says when prodded.

 

BREAKING AND ENTERING

After two hundred years of living in a cemetery with nothing but her inner thoughts and dead toys to play with, Orddu Fab employs a variety of supernatural deterrents—spiders and now a flesh golem. You know, Frankenstein’s monster but worse.

Billy leads them to the witch’s home: a clearing at the center of the dark woods. No, it’s not a child-luring gingerbread house; instead what they find is a ramshackle hovel not fit for (most) barnyard animals. Above, like something out of Hitchcockian horror film is a sky dark with a plague of loud squawking birds, circling very ominous-like. Adding to the skin crawl visuals is a cadaverous marvel on beat patrol, a grisly flesh golem made from the remains of many dead things.

Billy explains in flat emotionless detail what happens if the golem gets its oversized mitts on you. In the past. A member of the Billy Club, Billy Three-Nuts, came to a grisly end with the golem tossing his body parts all over the yard.

But despite the awful calamity they face, the gang doesn’t seem too concerned as the Guardian is slow and, like clockwork, follows a predictable path. If they wait patiently for it to circumnavigate the house, they can sneak through its blind spot. Which they do.

Billy leads the troop to the back of the house to a cellar entrance and, then, inside.

 

BONES AND TALKING SWORDS

A set of storm doors leads to Orddu Fab’s basement lair, an oversized wine cellar beneath the shack. A hoarder’s paradise, stuffed with witchery doodads and an immortal lifetime of collected bits and bobs.

Booyah! They find what they came for. A singular headless skeleton prominently displayed can be non-other than Brenhinol Brân.

The skeleton appears to be mostly intact but who can say if all the bones are there?

The question is answered by a soft feminine voice with an Aimian lilt (Aimian is the Chaldean equivalent of French).

Skeleton, Skeleton, what do you know?
Phalanges are bones in your fingers and toes.

Skeleton, Skeleton, what do you see?
A skull that protects my brain for me.

Skeleton, Skeleton, why do you groan?
I have two-hundred-and-six bones.

The voice reciting the skeleton poetry comes from an enchanted sword loitering on the wall on a rack of weapons.

The lonely sword, bored and eager for company, introduces herself: Beatrice Bon de Plae Gerise, Poet Laureate.

Further proof that she has command presence and more than just simple verbal trickery, the room suddenly dims, and a soft spotlight shines onto the blade as she begins to recite “The Raven” by Edgar Allan Poe. We’re giving the American author all the credit he is due since Beatrice does not—falsely claiming it’s her original composition.

We need to slow down here a moment and analyze the situation.

Is Beatrice just an enchanted talking sword who enjoys plagiarizing poems or is she something else? Is there deeper meaning and subtext to her poems…or is she just a blabbering idiot?

Edgar Allan Poe is a master of the macabre and his lyrical poem “The Raven” is about a mysterious talking black bird.

The Necropolis and Orddu Fab calling up legions of undead is, by the very definition, macabre. We have a talking sword and a talking raven. And outside, squawking loudly, is a murder of ravens.

Beatrice gives Billy the Kid a perfunctory greeting. “The boy bandit king, who died as he lived.”

Did she just out Billy? Did she provide some nugget of information about our kid, or is this comment more plagiarism?

Another famous Billy the Kid once said, “Truth and History. Twenty-One Men. The Boy Bandit King—He Died as He Lived.”

No one heeds Billy’s warning. “I’d stay away from that sword.”

It wouldn’t be the first-time gravers became mesmerized and blinded by an enchanted sword, not the least which one that can talk. What downside can there possibly be to that?

Archibald isn’t as enamored with the babbling blade as the others (probably because he’s a warlock), but he isn’t beneath pilfering a staff from the pile of weapons before returning his attention to the original purpose: Brân’s remains.

How long has Beatrice been a fly on the wall? She confirms the skull is the last remaining bone Orddu Fab requires before she can resurrect her son.

Hopefully Beatrice isn’t a lying talking sword.

Task complete. Time to roll before the witch returns.

Saoirse—the party tank—loves swords and has no intention of leaving the Boffo Beatrice Blade. And to her delight, when she releases it from its prison shackles on the wall, it ignites in magical shimmering gold.

And just as quickly, her delight deflates when the sword is revealed to be nothing more than a cheap plastic theatre prop.

The celt warrior shows her frustration by the non-functioning piece. “I can’t stab anything with this.”

Stab, indeed.

“The tongue is sharper than a two-edged sword,” Beatrice responds bitterly. Who knows, maybe she’ll prove to be deadlier in a war of words.

Just when things can’t get any weirder, belle Beatrice enjoys a drink of wine and a taste of cheese. Remember that Sesame Street blue monster? The one with a chocolate chip cookies addiction who makes a tremendous mess voraciously consuming the baked goods? Beatrice has a similar compulsive wine and cheese addiction. Lacking a mouth, she makes a similar mess cutting the cheese and bathing in wine screaming and moaning in a kind of Caligula-like ecstasy best just to ignore.

Cutting the sword shenanigans short, a rat friend of Billy’s (yes, another acquaintance of Billys’), Billy Vermin, a Senior Fellow in the Society of Spies, appears with urgent news.

“The witch is comin’.”

It’s time to go.

Archibald leads his zombie friends out of the witch’s lair and back to the primary quest.

Armed with the knowledge that Orddu Fab is close to resurrecting her son and now in possession of a plagiaristic talking sword companion, will they find Brân’s skull and get their lives back or are they doomed to eternal death?